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Dating an elusive man

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He is ever-elusive and ever-intriguing, and possesses a mysteriously irresistible appeal. The Unavailable Man comes in different packaging, depending on the nature of his pursuer. At 24 I overlooked multiple confessions from a man who lied about his age, his job, and his marital status. My therapy practice sees many clients attempting to loosen themselves from his grip. I am not quite certain when my pattern began, but by 11 years old I was writing longingly in a journal about being rejected by the boy I had a crush on for two years (who had never given me an ounce of indication he had any pre-pubescent reciprocal interest in me). But the underlying trait shared by all his mutations is that he is ultimately emotionally distant, unreliable in his feelings, and unable to commit to the pursuer the way she would like.When I turned 30 my boyfriend was actually in love with someone else. Some might argue that The Unavailable Man simply has not found the right woman to be available to, which might be the case.Perhaps, they are recently divorced or widowed and legitimately not ready to get involved in an intimate relationship.Then, there are those who are too afraid of taking the risk of falling in love, because they have been hurt too much in their previous relationships. ( For those of us who’ve been in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person, we know the pain of not being able to get close to the person we love. The answer is—it’s so easy to become intoxicated during that early infatuation stage, when you meet someone who fits your vision and seems like the perfect match.

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So it might not be that the infamous one-night stand causes guys to become disinterested, but rather it is a process of rewarding those jerks before they’ve been plucked from your proverbial bedfellow list.My primary interest is not in what makes The Unavailable Man tick, but rather, why certain women seek him out, and then quite often continue to seek him out, repeatedly, without any conscious understanding of what they are doing, or why. Repetition compulsion is considered to be one of many common defense mechanisms.While the specific reasons vary from woman to woman, the tendency to unconsciously and compulsively repeat relationship patterns is nothing new. When a person engages in behaviors of repetition compulsion, she is unconsciously attempting to revise and resolve a dysfunctional aspect of a primary, or central, past relationship.Most loyal followers of Freud’s psychoanalytic theory believe the primary past relationship one attempts to alter and make a complete success is that between child and parent (I tend to believe that the pattern can originate from a variety of primary significant relationships and does not have to be parental in nature).Since no parent can fulfill a child’s every need regardless of how much they may try to be present and available, inevitably there are times in which a child is left with his or her needs neglected.Unfortunately, if he gets back into the relationship, due to the rules of the game, he will likely be thrown back to the curb once she realizes she was right the first time.